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Appendix VII:


Earlier, I mentioned: "freak out." That is to say, an object, book cover, or person's facial expression, a sound or lighting would trigger a tsunami effect of mind, expanding yet at the same time a contracting to where I felt instant panic that time was "reversing" into a familiar deja vu effect, where everyone was about to repeat eons of existence. By force of will I could return to "normal." Poor Alice in her wonder land!

In addition to "freak-out," add to your vocabulary the '60s colloquialism: "contact-high." These experiences are opposite sides of the same coin. The one, with whom you are in contact does not necessarily know what is happening, but you often believe they do or should because of the unusual intensity of feeling connection. I will describe such an episode that happened a few years after taking the LSD.

Before now I had not confessed either type of episodes to anyone. The wisdom factor had grown to where I felt comfortable with what I was figuring out on my own, and I certainly felt certain no other individual could help or understand my dilemma. In a random conversation with my brother I almost hinted at such episodes, but stopped short with sudden heart compassion (love) for him, my self, and all others.  

In that "stop-gap," I knew my brother as already perfectly "enlightened" but, at the same time, knew he was quite unaware of it, which was also my conviction in that moment about everyone else in the world. It also occurred to me that the world itself, its state, and its happenings are always already "perfect." That notion arose completely removed from the topic of conversation he and I were having.

I can also recall a earlier realization about perfection. Lying in bed one evening in my recurrent struggle with reality, suddenly the following intuition appeared: "Then reality (or God) must be already somehow all-at-once all possible things, events and objects." That language in no way seemed deterministic; on the contrary it seemed so explanatory as to relieve my fears of the unknown and reform my emotion.

All possible outcomes of existence had somehow been tested in an instant and in the end all could not be other than 'good'. This was, a new and revelatory understanding of "perfection" and of reality itself. I went on to intuit: A perfect universe, then, does not exclude apparent imperfections. This has nothing to do with determinism or a God's will, rather this is simply "what is" already.

Freak-outs and contact-highs can happen together or one after the other. In 1983, a year or so after my Kundalini episodes had nearly vanished, I happened to walk into a bookstore, this time it was in Seattle. Looking back I rationalized the low harmonic bass sound (Vak) oscillations of a ceiling fan had triggered the episode I will describe. But who knows what Consciousness cannot do to get your attention.

Standing there looking at a shelf of books, I suddenly felt the familiar fist of bliss-energy thrust up the base of my spine. My pulse went through the roof. A moment of panic turned my head toward the clerk at the desk. As if he were in on what had just happened, I asked: "What is this all about?" The short story is that devotees of a spiritual adept ran the bookstore and the books were his teachings.

Next Appendix (#8)