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Appendix VIII:

TO BE (A MONK) OR NOT TO BE (A DEVOTEE)

The longer story is that because of that extraordinary occurrence (contact high), I was convinced it was a not-so-subtle directive to investigate those teachings. I soon became a devotee of the Adept and remained formally, even professionally involved for seven years. Now, no longer formally involved, I randomly study his over 40 books and practice the devotional meditation developed during that association.   

Unlike Ram Dass's guru (Neem Karoli Baba), my teacher (Adi Da) did not necessarily read your mind to initiate conversions. I often sat in his Satsang but never met him one-on-one. Years before I met a guru, I actually considered entering a monastery, a Christian one at that, here in the good old USA. I was too chicken to trek off to an ashram in India. I found a classified ad about a teaching order of friars soliciting for members.

I sent them my resume and explained: "I need the companionship of other blissful souls" and told them of my experience in both teaching art and of my ventures into bliss-full contemplations. They responded with ignorance on the subject of bliss and blissfulness, but assured me there would be plenty of work and penance to occupy my time in the monastery. They invited me to come check out the community.

Needless to say: I instantly lost interest in becoming a monk. Experimenting with sexual abstinence over the months and years did indicate its link to Kundalini. The frequency of visits by Kundalini seemed to increase with sexual abstinence. Usually after going to bed, I could portend Kundalini's immanent arrival with an assuring intuition a few seconds just before the sensation began to stir.

At the time, I imagined these hours of quietude as what meditation must be or mean. Now many years later, I realize "bliss-filled" may be an aspect, but it is not meditation as practiced everyday by devotees of a guru or practitioners of a spiritual yoga. "Don't you know everything is already perfect" is the teaching Ram Dass received, and I would agree that is the necessary meditation for life.

A summary of the intuition I have received seems to be: Surrender the burden of existence to existence; give up making distinctions and suffering them. On one rare occasion while in what I believe I can call a Samadhi, I experienced whole-body intercourse with what I envisioned as a cosmic consort, ultimate ecstatic union with the cosmos herself, or so that was the bodily-feeling-observation.

That copulation (yab yum) is depicted as deity and consort in Tibetan Buddhism iconography. I imagine that experience of Yukta falls into the realm of feeling visualization which practitioners call Tantra. Even the venerating and anointing of stone Linga and Yoni in Hinduism would seem to be a telling about the energies arising seemingly below the genitalia to every limb [nadi] of Kundalinic embrace.

Over the beginning years, I spontaneously experienced most all of the postures (asanas) depicted in Hatha yoga manuals. At the time, I had perhaps seen but not studied such manuals. These contortions arose in the evening, seemingly to prepare and refresh the body, especially while reclined and awaiting sleep. Although now, Kundalini is no longer a felt presence, memory of that presence remains.

One more aspect about Kundalini that I found remarkable is its sensation beyond bodily substance. I mean that after the whole body is energized, even the bedding becomes energized; and it is not possible to distinguish between furniture and flesh. I also intuit: Bliss has no existence except in and by way of a temporal embodiment of some kind. Then again, even time is perhaps illusory.

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