Chronicle Section Four:
BRINGING IT ALL BACK HOME
Had these others released me from blame? Did humankind even know that I had failed them in some way I did not even know? Were they now pretending nothing had happened? In later months I would feel that notion arise on the verge of paranoia as to whether everyone really knew about this and were playing the role of concealing it to prevent its actual occurrence if I allowed the thought to actualize.
Years later , when I was able to review scenes from the experience, I rationalized that the claustrophobia was likely an unintentional distorting of the "setting" when the "others," aware that I was in some inner realm of distress, cradled me close in their embrace to comfort me. Another example of intervention was the instruction: "Go toward the light," whereupon, I turned to a lamp and replied; "So?"
The last sensation that I recall was that of the entire content of the session arising out of the fatty tissue at the center of my lower lip moving toward the corner of my mouth with a loud pop! A later and lasting impression, perhaps having something to do with the globe-like room, is my eventual fascination with the platonic solid called the tetrahedron, as well as with the gem-cut silhouette called trillion .
It is more than the intellectual notion of oneness that I come away with from the experience. It is the realization, beyond understanding, that oneness is the absolute nature and fact of reality. That we and it and other are all one is not the same now as my prior, merely intellectual notion. Rather now it is: the empirical, physical, and substantive fact, that all is actually connected visibly and not visibly.
Metaphorically, "having the rug pulled out from under me," describes perfectly my mentality for the months and years after this revelation. Reality was not that previously comfortable place; it was now an ongoing ground-quake. I had experienced a reality-shift beyond any scale of measurement. It was immersed in a paradoxical and vital mix of feeling: bliss, euphoria, love, and terror.
Ironic to finding out the truth or explanation for what I had realized, was the fear that the truth might not be what I want to find out; if I got too close to the truth... "poof," it would be over! At the same time, the realization contained a deeper possibility than mere cosmic annihilation; on the contrary, it was that it is all "everlasting," not even death is the end one might imagine, nor birth the beginning. Zardoz!
Next Chronicle Section (5)